Jimi Hendrix once said “When power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace”.  I don’t see that happening soon.

A couple of days ago, I was watching a video on Oprah.com which featured Reverend Ed Bacon, Elizabeth Lesser and Michael Bernard Beckwith on questions you can ask yourself as part of your spiritual practice. 

Before I go any further, I’m going to state that know that many people do not agree with the way that Oprah is approaching the spiritual, saying that she’s not a believer in God or in Christ.  I don’t know; I’m not her.  What I will say is that she offers lessons from various teachers so that we can all walk our own walk.  I don’t know where you are on your path; I only know where I am and I thought that these questions were helpful.

Of course, the first question which had to do with intentionality got my attention.

Reverend Ed Bacon suggested that being intentional is a big part of spiritualty.  He suggests listing the intentions that you would like in your spiritual life  because that will impact your spiritual journey and then to list the movements of grace that happen during or after that prayer time, for instance, “what do I want to accomplish in my spiritual life” and “what are my intentions for that particular prayer period”?   Many people do this by writing down their daily gratitudes in a journal.

Elizabeth Lesser asked:

1. Would I rather be right or would I rather be happy?
2. Am I ready to accept life on its own terms?
3. How can I let go and relax with each moment?

These are all questions that will resonate with caregivers.  I remember many times that I wanted to correct my father when his dementia would not let him state the facts correctly.  One day I asked myself “what is my intention for arguing with him; what am I hoping to accomplish?”  That was the day that I stopped arguing. 

All we can do as caregivers is to try to enjoy the moment, the present, with our loved ones because we don’t know what the next moment will bring.

Finally Michael Bernard Beckwith stated that we are here to be “a beneficial presence” and asked what gifts are trying to emerge that you had given up on?  He states that at the end of it all, we might be haunted about what we DIDN’T do, try and/or risk and that we must use the gifts, powers and capacities that we were given.  As caregivers, we may already be doing just  that……….but we must be careful not to lose hope that we will be able to accomplish the other dreams in the process. 

Remember that just like medicine, spirituality is a practice.  Be around holy people.  Read, meditate, journal, pray, and/or list the items that you are grateful for every day. 

PS My friend has the alarm on his phone set for 1:11 every day and when it goes off, he pauses for a moment to state what he is grateful for that day.

I’m With You

Im standing on the bridge
Im waiting in the dark
I thought that you’d be here
by now
Ther’s nothing but the rain
no foot steps on the ground
Im listening but there’s
no sound

Isn’t anyone trying to find me
Won’t somebody come take me home

it’s a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won’t you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don’t know who you are but I
Im with you
Im with you

Im looking for a place
Im searching for a face
Is anybody here
I know

Cause nothing’s going right
And everything’s a mess
And no one likes to be
alone

Isn’t anyone trying to find me?
Won’t somebody come take me home?

It’s a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won’t you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new?

I don’t know who you are
But I
Im with you
Im with you

Oh

Why is every thing so confusing?
Maybe Im just out of my mind

Yeah yeah yeah…

It’s a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won’t you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don’t Know Who You are
But I
Im with you
Im with you
Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don’t Know Who You are
But I
Im with you
Im with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don’t Know Who You are
But I
Im with you
Im with you

Avril Lavigne

You may wonder why I would post a You Tube video and then the lyrics to one of Avril Lavigne’s songs, but I encourage you to reread the lyrics and think to yourself  ”Is this not how I feel on many days???”  There were many times when I was just waiting, hoping, praying…..that someone, ANYONE would come rescue me from caregiver hell, even for just a couple of hours.

This song and these lyrics were actually the subject of our lesson at church yesterday and I felt compelled to share part of the lesson with you.  I’m just going to take it in a different direction though and talk about the importance of spirituality in caregiving.

Spirituality means different things to different people.  To some it is simply the belief in a higher power; to some it is faith in the meaning of life and to others it is organized religion. 

Caregiving often causes a  disruption in  faith.  Caregivers can be faced with questions such as “Why me?”, “Why did this happen to my loved-one?”, “What value can my caregiving have?” or “What did I DO to deserve such misery”?  Caregivers can become confused about what to pray for…..and praying for help for themselves can cause guilt over not praying for their care recipient instead.  ( ”Who am I to be asking for help when my poor husband is suffering through this terrible disease?”)

Whether you are religious or not, you may be able to find faith in your existing beliefs about life and God if you become intentional about it.  Studies have shown that spiritual caregivers suffer from less stress and depression than non-spiritual caregivers.  Prayer can be very comforting and can bring a few moments solace and addressing your spiritual needs can help you grow as a person, find acceptance in the situation and find positives in the experience.

If you’re not yet a spiritual person, start by meditating.  Find a quiet spot at a time you won’t be interrupted and just BE.  Concentrate on your breathing and push the thoughts out of your brain. Begin with just 5 minutes and increase as your are able.  (There are many meditation tapes that can guide you and if you have an iPhone, there are some good meditation apps available.)  As you become more proficient, you can ask yourself a question before you begin meditating, for instance “what is the meaning in my role as a caregiver?”

If you are a spiritual person, you may find solace in taking time to pray, meditate or practice spiritual rituals.  You may want to speak to a trusted religious figure to help you to find meaning in your role.

In either case, focus on the positive.  It does no good to dwell on the negatives that can’t be changed. It will only cause more bitterness and anger to enter your heart.  Start a gratitude journal – at first, you might find little to write about but the more you consider (pray over) it, the more you will find to be thankful for.  Be intentional. Pray for growth, acceptance, learning opportunities, peace.  Pray that you are able to help your care recipient enjoy the remainder of their days as best they can.  Concentrate on the happy moments that appear unexpectedly.  Keep in mind how you will feel when they are not there with you.

My father was not a religious man when I was young; it was my mother who always took us to church and who was able to drag my father along on special occasions.  When he came to live with me, I had already begun to attend a church weekly and he began attending with me.  It wasn’t long before HE was the one who couldn’t wait for Sunday and it was probably him who kept me at church when there were times I just wanted to collapse.  On the night he died, our pastor was able to visit him in the hospital just hours before he passed.

Even if you have lost faith, reconnecting with a religious community can end up being a great source of comfort.  There are answers in the teachings of the Lord.  There is also a community of people who may be able to offer comfort, support………and maybe even respite care !  Be intentional in finding that comfort.

I like what Dr. Gerald Trigg wrote in the book “The Fearless Caregiver” by Gary Barg: “All of us who help others do so as wounded healers.  Our task is not easy, but it is needful.  We are at our best when we begin each day with gratitude, offering thanks for yet another day to receive and offer love.  It isn’t always easy; it IS always necessary – if those we care for - are to become better, and not bitter.”

Dr. Trigg……I’m with you.