Ironically, later in the day, I was reading a story about MSNBC anchorwoman, Mika Brzezinski and her forthcoming book “All Things at Once” where she describes the day she fell down a flight of stairs while holding her 4 month old daughter.  She had been up all night working at the newsroom and because she couldn’t sleep (during daylight hours), had let her caregiver go home early.  She stated that she had picked up the baby and was talking 100 words per hour and walked right off the top of the stairs, landing with her on top of the baby!  The “baby” is now almost a teen and is fine, but can you imagine the horror, the pain, and the guilt that went along with that experience ? 

In the interview, she went on to say that at that point she learned to ask for help.  “If you’ve got a career that you need to nurture, there are going to be times when you need to transfer your authority to others. I will forever regret that I didn’t get help sooner so I could get through that rough patch in my career. ”

I’m sharing this story not just to talk about career vs. caregiving but to say that we must not wait until something awful happens before we ask for help.  Many of have careers and even if we don’t, we may have children and a husband who need our time and attention, as well.  We must not get to the point where we are too keyed-up to even sleep.  We must not let our families go on with their lives without us. We cannot afford to be the one who is admitted to the hospital with heart problems, anxiety disorder or something even worse while our care-recipient is left behind.  When we want to say No to something, we must say No !

If you are participating in a committee that is becoming burdensome, doing work such as cleaning or running errands that could be “resourced out” to another capable person, working with the local women’s group with whom you have nothing in common, not asking your family members (I’m talking siblings here) for help (even little bits of help), please reconsider your actions.  

Don’t wait for a 911 moment.  Just say No. 

He went on to buy another car and managed not to crash it.  He gave that one to my sister when he moved to Idaho to live with me and I gave a sigh of relief.  With his dementia and his lower extremity neuropathy, he should not be driving.  But…..lo and behold……when I was work one day, he ORDERED a truck and had it delivered ! It was a used truck and an eager salesman brought it out to the house for a test drive.  My father purchased it there and then, for WAY too much money.  As you might guess, it was just after that that I filed for guardianship.  But receiving guardianship does NOT wash away all problems.  Saying “No” to things just brings out a lot of turmoil so creative thinking is required at these times.

There are many reasons that our elders may need to curtail their driving; dementia is just one.  Other reasons are slowed reaction times, decreased vision and hearing, diabetes, certain medications that have been prescribed, transient ischemic attacks (mini-strokes) and quite a few others.

When a person can no longer drive, they feel a huge loss of independence.  But sometimes that loss is necessary in order to protect the loved one and other possible innocent victims.  If you feel that your parent or loved one should no longer be driving, here are a few things that you might try if simple reasoning with them has not worked. 

Speak with their physician and relate your concerns.  Doctors are not uncomfortable taking “the bad guy/gal ” role and elders will often give more credence to what their physician says than to what a care giver says.

Consult your local “Area on Aging”.  They often have access to an occupational therapist who will obtain a prescription for a driver’s evaluation.  If an elder does not pass, these results will be forwarded to the Department of Motor Vehicles who will then void their driver’s license.

If your parent or loved one has dementia, consult their Alzheimer’s specialist who will counsel them or order a driving evaluation.

If these things fail, desperate action may be required.  Distraction is helpful- “could you just help me plant these tulip bulbs first?”; keys can be hidden (although that doesn’t work for long); certain parts of engines can be dismantled; cars can be taken “to the shop” for inspection and “the problem may be bigger than we thought”.  

These things don’t ALWAYS work, but helps to bide time and as an elder gets used to “not driving”, they are a little easier to accept the role as a non-driver as time goes on. 

I have handled having to take away the driving priviledges, restricting use of power tools, eliminating coffee maker and coffee-pouring activities but taking away the items he has carried with him since becoming “an adult” is something I can’t seem to get past.  It’s like taking away that LAST bit of independence . In our society, we are almost synonymous with the “bartering power” or money that we have.
Can you offer any advise?