The issue of Boundries as put forth by Shelly is key and best done at the beginning and each time a new boundry need arises. Now it doesn’t mean your parent will follow the boundries – mine sure didn’t and it seems yours don’t either. Like you, my sister ‘tried’ to help but it was a joke mostly. And for the love of my parents, like you, I took all kinds of abuse, had no life of my own and many times came to resent my parents because I ceased to be a daughter but rather became the Caregiver.

I hired a housekeeper to help me keep the house clean and it took a lot of weight off of me and during the time the housekeeper was working, several hours, my father was quite content and didn’t want me around – he got to interact with the housekeeper, tell her what to do and just watch (supervise). Me – I got to go do errands or do someting at home I couldn’t do while caregiving. I seriously had little money but between what I could come up with and a little of Dad’s, the housekeeping help made a huge difference for both of us.

Really learn your State’s system on getting PCA help. When it was both parents, we paid out of pocket. Just Dad, got some help paid by the State. Both times, it make life easier for me and better for them.

If siblings won’t help with their time, then they can contribute with money to help get some assistance for you and/or the parent. Fair is fair.

Know when you’ve reached your limit and decide what to do. I called a family meeting and said I couldn’t continue as is and that another home option was needed. I had written my thoughts down and each had had the paper for a few days to think. No one wanted any changes but me. I had to stick to my guns for me and my family against my parent, his girlfriend and sibling.

My father moved and actually adjusted well but he never totally forgave me. I got to be a daughter again and it was nice to be that when he died. I recovered and my family, though I still spent a great deal of time every week on Dad’s issues/visits/needs but the load was managable.

Remember you have rights too and that you have to care for yourself, because no one else is going to. You’ll know when the time comes and hopefully will have the strength to do what is best for you, regardless of others.

Tonia Boterf
The Practical Expert
617-895-0249

I can relate to all you are going through. My Mother is 92, and I am her sole caregiver, other than a worker who comes in for an hour every morning to at least make sure she is bathed, and cleaned. There are moments when I wish I could just walk out the door, and not come back. There are times when I lay awake at 3am trying to figure out what I did wrong, or why I feel like wanting to just leave home, at 55 years of age. My other half, can’t handle it, can’t discuss it, so it becomes a test of endurance, that seems like it will never end. There is no easy answer, no saving grace other than, it is what is right, what we must do, as loving siblings. It isn’t right that other’s won’t pitch in, but that is their Karma, ours is to do what we do, despite the anger, the worry, the seeming endless drudgery. Yet, too, it isn’t all bleak, all bad. There are moments when it just feels like you can’t go on, and suddenly you remember how she stood up for you when a bully threatened you, or how she made your special dinner, because you got a good mark at school. It isn’t easy but remembering, talking about in your own spaces, is maybe all we can hope for. Doesn’t seem like much, but then, does it have to be? There is no easy answer, other than having to dig deep, to rely on our own sense of right, to keep us on keel, to make us push on through the anger, the despair, the pain. We won’t always succeed, I fail more times than I would like to admit, but we are just human, and do the best we can do. Not much of a help, but you are doing what has to be done, not because you are there, but simply because you care.

Good luck and keep the chin up, it’s sometimes all we can do.

Ian

Perhaps remembering how they were caregivers for THEIR parents and inlaws. Comparison? Oh, they didn’t care for their parents at all? Well, GEE. Or remembering how when they were parents and we were young pouting brats. Did they stop what was “wanted and needed” cause we were throwing a fit? No way. However, all these rationales are in the common sense column, and our dependent parent is now just an emotional trigger waiting to be disappointed and let down.

Bribes and treats sometimes works with Mom. Bring her back a MacDonald kids meal toy. A piece of chocolate. A 3D greeting card. (She’s easy.)

Giving your parent a chore to do (work) while you go out (work). Perhaps prerecording football/basketball games and play it back when you go out. Some Andre Rieu concerts are two hours long on DVD. Hire a male caregiver to go WITH you to attend to your father while you do Costco. Let them sit in the cafe, or leave them off at a sports bar to watch the games. They are both out having an adventure, without you. Pay friend to pick up things for you while THEY shop at Costco. Shop more online, even for Depends. Have Safeway deliver.

The solution will be different for each person. My Mom cannot be left alone at all, and there’s always a danger just going into the kitchen that this will be the moment she decides to . . .